


Find what you love and let it kill you

by TailorNorata



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek has enough of Stiles' and Peter's bullshit, Discussion of Death, Hopeful Ending, Imprinting, Insecurities, Kissing, M/M, Unhealthy Weight Loss, and less extreme but partly Stiles' death, because his heart condition got worse, but also Peter's death, or the possibility thereof, something similar to heaven seems to exist, specifically the sheriff's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 03:50:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13989855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TailorNorata/pseuds/TailorNorata
Summary: It happened rarely but Peter didn’t know what to say. Almost just as rare - Derek apparently did know what he wanted to say.“Peter is dying because you are killing yourself. Discuss. I’ll be out of here.”





	Find what you love and let it kill you

Peter was sitting on the staircase in his nephew’s loft, reading a book about organic magic in ancient greece, while Stiles was sitting at the table with an entire nest of books in various stages of being marked up and transcribed all around him.

 

He felt Derek coming down the stairs and scooted a bit to the side to let him pass but instead his nephew seemed to take that as an invitation to sit down next to him.

 

The space of the staircase wasn’t really made for two muscular grown men to sit next to each other. So he voiced his displeasure. “Aren’t you a bit too old to demand cuddles from your uncle Peter pup?”

 

Derek frowned at him but it seemed halfheartedly. “It’s not my fault you decide to sit in places that aren’t meant for sitting. I wanted to ask you something...about Stiles.” Derek had said the last words low enough so only another werewolf would have understood him. 

 

Peter looked up from his book to look to the young mage engulfed in his work before he tilted his head a bit. “What about him?”

 

There was a deep sigh. “You can’t keep ignoring the fact he is killing himself.”

 

Peter shrugged. “I am not, it is his choice. He is trying to save his father, I will not stand in his way.”

 

Derek was quiet for a moment and to his surprise Peter saw concern in the younger wolf’s face when he glanced at him. “I sense that wasn’t all, out with it Derek.”

 

They exchanged eye contact for a moment before Derek looked at Stiles again. “It will kill you as well.”

 

Peter nodded “So it will.”

 

“You should tell him.”

 

Peter shook his head very gently. “I will not stand in his way. Besides, to explain to him why I will die if he dies would mean to explain to him that my wolf is imprinted to him and there is really no need to make him aware of that, it would only be another thing on his plate. He has to deal with enough as it is.”

 

Derek shook his head. “He deserves to know.”

 

Peter pressed his lips together and tried to find a way to make Derek understand. “He deserves not to have to deal with it even more.”

 

Derek furrowed his brows and then stood up, looking back to his uncle. “And what about you? What do you deserve? You fought to be here, to be alive. How can you throw it all away like that? How can you just accept death now?”

 

Peter smiled weakly. “Because it is what I can do to make Stiles happy.”

 

Derek’s expression got more desperate and his whisper was almost a hiss. “He will die Peter! He is keeping his father alive with his and your life force. He’d long be dead if he wasn’t unknowingly dipping into your powers. And when both of you are dead his father might live a few more years but it won’t be happy years and eventually he will die as well. This would be so much easier if the bite had worked but it hasn’t and you are the one person capable to talk sense into Stiles! How can you not see that?”

 

Peter let the book fall onto the stairs and stood up, getting into Derek’s face - well technically his chest.

 

It was the first time their conversation drew Stiles’ attention to them and Peter knew he had to end this quickly before Stiles started asking questions.

 

So he hissed back, just as lowly. “You think I haven’t tried? You think I didn’t try reasoning with him? He wants his father to live, more than anything in the world. So I will do my damnedest to give that to him. Yes even if it kills me. Now quit this before I decide you are standing in our way.”

 

Stiles cleared his throat and Peter closed his eyes for a moment. “And what exactly is your issue now you two?”

 

Peter stared at Derek, trying to warn him silently not to say a word. Then he turned his attention to Stiles.

 

The young man in his twenties looked like he had lost too much weight in too short a time. He was still beautiful in Peter’s eyes but it wasn’t possible to deny the toll the last two months had taken on his body. The same way the last year after John had had two heart attacks had taken a toll on his psyche.

 

All Peter wanted to do was give Stiles whatever he needed.

 

Only Peter himself wasn’t something Stiles needed.

 

The man who turned his best friend, mentally abused the woman he had loved for years, the same guy he had helped to kill the first time around simply wasn’t the right person to offer emotional or physical comfort.

 

Of course Peter had still offered.

 

But as he had already expected Stiles had told him he didn’t have to do that and turned him down.

 

He opened his mouth to say something about a stupid made up issue so Stiles could roll his eyes and go back to researching a way to save his father but before he could Derek was talking.

 

“Peter is dying and refuses to do what he can to stop it.”

 

He snapped his head around to his nephew and stared at him with an almost homicidal intent. 

 

“Don’t be so dramatic.” He spat it out and turned back to Stiles to continue.  “It’s not like that Stiles, I am not actively dying.”

 

Stiles looked at them with a shell shocked expression on his face.

 

Peter saw Stiles swallow and could see how his face went through a few emotions before settling on confused and concerned. “What then? Are you passively dying? What is this about?”

 

It happened rarely but Peter didn’t know what to say. Almost just as rare - Derek apparently did know what he wanted to say. “Peter is dying because you are killing yourself. Discuss. I’ll be out of here.”

 

Stiles eyes were wide with shock and Peter wanted nothing more than to shield him from the conflicting feelings these words must have just provoked in him.

 

He stared at Derek. “I can’t believe you just did that…” He didn’t even have the capacity to sound angry, he was just baffled.

 

Derek turned around and gave Peter the kind of vicious smirk he mostly knew from himself when he took a look in the mirror “Consider it payback.”

 

“For what?!”

 

His nephew shrugged “Pick one.” and then turned back around and pulled the loft’s door shut behind him.

  
  


There was silence between them for a while that felt like decades.

 

Eventually Stiles sacked a little and stared at the book on the table in front of him. “Is it true?”

 

Peter wiped his face, trying to figure out how to approach this.

 

If he lied Stiles would just go to Derek and ask him, so he’d have to tell the truth.

 

After a few more seconds of silence he nodded. “Yeah...it is more complicated than that, but in general that is how it is.”

 

He saw Stiles worrying his lower lip and tried not to hate himself for giving Stiles even more to be concerned about.

 

Slowly he walked towards the table, moved two books from one of the chairs and sat down.

Close enough not to make it awkward, far enough apart not to be tempted to touch Stiles.

He might just want to comfort the younger man, but that didn’t mean his touch would be welcomed, he didn’t want Stiles to be uncomfortable around him, especially considering what this conversation was going to be about.

 

He was still organizing his thoughts when Stiles cleared his throat. “I don’t get how this relates...I know I’ve been pushing myself more than is healthy lately...but...why would that affect you?”

 

Yeah...why would it? How could he explain that without sounding like a creep? “You read a lot about werewolves, right?”

 

Stiles made a ‘duh’-gesture and Peter nodded before he continued. “Have you read anything about imprinting?”

 

The young mage seemed to think about it. “Isn’t imprinting part of the bond an alpha has to his betas and mates have to each other?”

 

Peter nodded. “Yes, it is. It can happen outside of those occasions too though. A werewolf can imprint on someone they look up to and feel connected with, someone they feel they belong to, someone they want to dedicate themselves to. Though want is the wrong word. It’s not a choice, it happens instinctively. I hate the comparison, but you could say a dog imprints on it’s owner for example…”

 

He could see Stiles putting two and two together, but he wasn’t finished yet so he gave him a glance with which he tried to convey patience. “A werewolf imprinting on someone means they dedicate themself fully to that person’s needs. ‘Fully’ meaning with all their power, including their life force. So that’s the connection. You haven’t been pushing yourself more than is healthy, you are draining your and my life force to keep your father in this realm.”

 

Stiles seemed sceptical. “if you were dedicated to me, shouldn’t you be all over me, all the time?”

 

Peter had suspected that question might come up. He had worked hard to restrain himself. “I non consensually turned the man you call your brother, I mentally abused the woman you love, at some point you despised me enough to help kill me. Being all over you would be hardly the best I can do to help you be happy, which is my main directive ever since I imprinted on you. So I keep a certain distance, I come when you ask me for help or when I know I can help you. I make sure you eat, drink and sleep by cooking for you and the others once in a while, making you tea and sending you home. I keep you as safe as I can without restricting you in the choices you make...Because I know you value your freedom over your safety.”

 

Stiles stared at him, seemingly recalling if all those things were true and realizing that they were. “You would follow my orders?”

 

“For the most part. I would not necessarily follow an order that’d make you unhappy just because you think it is the right thing to do. I am not as morally inclined as you are.”

 

Stiles kept staring, eyes curious but not very emotional. “Would you kill yourself?”

  
Peter swallowed hard and thought about it for a moment. “Yes.” 

 

It was a scary thought but it was a true one. If Stiles truly would be happier if he was dead then there was no reason to live.

 

“Would you kill Derek?”

 

“No.” He didn’t need to think about that.

 

“Why?”

 

“You like Derek.”

 

Stiles’ eyes narrowed. “But hypothetically, would you kill someone you love?”

 

Peter smiled sadly. “Every single person I feel remotely positive towards is more dear to you than to me Stiles.”

 

Now Stiles swallowed hard and though Peter didn’t like this conversation he had to admit he enjoyed having landed a small blow to Stiles’ mask. “Would you give me your honest opinion on anything?”

 

That was a surprising change of direction. “Always.”

  
“My father has been begging me to let go. I am not ready to give up on him. I know it is likely going to be fruitless but I refuse to accept there isn’t at least one spell that can save him. Do you think I should stop?”

 

He took his time to think about the question. If the former Sheriff had really said that then Stiles could not be made happy either way. Because then when he died he’d feel guilty for not obeying his father’s wishes and burdening him with outliving his only son.

 

Of course there was a hint of a chance they might find a cure for both the bite that was eating away at the man and the heart disease that would already have killed him if it weren’t for the bite. But it was slim.

 

He folded his hands on the table in front of him. “I will do what you ask of me either way. But you did ask so, yes you should. Because you are killing yourself and no matter what you achieve it won’t make you happy condemning your father to seeing you die after he told you to let him go. At least I don’t think it will.

 

But also, I don’t think you should give up hope. I am breathing proof you can come back from death. If you let go of him he will die for now. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to him. There are ways to communicate with the deceased. And it doesn’t mean we can’t search for a way to bring him back if he wants to.”

 

Stiles furrowed his brows. “If he wants to?”

 

Peter nodded. “Little is certain about the afterlife but I know two things for sure. One, it exists, two, it feels good. If you’d ask me if I believe in hell I’d say yes. Hell is here. Hell is something we make for ourselves.”

 

He had dropped his gaze down to his hands, he had never before talked about that part of his short term death experience.

 

After a moment of silence he heard Stiles’ voice, low and wary. “If this is hell...why stay?”

 

Peter looked up for a quick glance before deciding to answer truthfully. “I deserve it. And I have someone who gives my life meaning.”

 

He could hear Stiles swallow hard. “That is a lot of responsibility to put on another person.”

 

Peter frowned. “Yes well, I had no intention to ever tell you.”

 

Stiles nodded slowly. “I can see why. So you really would just let me kill both of us?”

 

Peter’s face smoothed out and didn’t give any emotion away. “I tried comforting you without disrespecting your boundaries. Everyone else tried comforting you, some without respecting your boundaries, outright trying to force you away from this. Clearly unless I violate your rights or try to guilt trip you, like Derek is trying right now, supporting your choices is all I can do.”

 

There was a strange look on Stiles’ face. “I didn’t think you were...I thought you were just trying to be nice because I was sad...I thought you didn’t really...I...I guess I was too caught up in the idea your sympathies weren’t real somehow. Though looking back that feels pretty stupid considering the evidence against it…”

 

Peter only shrugged. “Your focus was somewhere else. I wasn’t hurt.”

 

Stiles raised his brows. “Really?”

 

Smartass…

Peter pressed his lips together for a brief moment deciding what to say. He had promised though to be honest. And if he wasn’t honest with Stiles then who could he be honest with… “No. It did hurt. I want nothing more than to hold you when you are down, support you in your goals and provide for you when you are exhausted. But my wants rank way below yours for me.”

 

He could hear and this time also see Stiles swallow again. It seemed to have vaguely different connotations though.

 

When Stiles spoke again his voice was a bit raspy as if he had a dry throat. “What if I wanted you to do those things?”

 

He fiddled with his fingers and for the first time in a while looked almost like he had before his father had gotten so much worse.

 

His voice got smaller and Peter felt his heart break a little. “What if I wanted you to be with me?”

 

Peter had not expected that and it apparently was visible because Stiles made a tortured noise.

 

“Stiles...what about Lydia? Or Derek? Or...Malia…” Saying his daughter’s name in this context felt very awkward but it was a truth he couldn’t ignore. 

 

“Derek?”

 

Why was Stiles confused by that? “You are attracted to him.”

 

To that the young mage honest to god snorted and shook his head. “Yes, Derek is easy on the eyes. But that goes for pretty much any werewolf I ever met. Derek needs someone that’ll take his hand and pull him out of his misery, someone to teach him being loved doesn’t mean being used and abused. I can’t be that person, I am not that selfless, I have my own problems. Also he doesn’t appreciate my jokes the way you do.”

 

Stiles had started talking a bit faster and Peter suspected Stiles might start rambling. He didn’t mind, it was often best to wait until Stiles was done because he usually had some kind of point to make and right now Peter really wanted to know what was going on in Stiles’ head.

 

“Lydia will always be someone I love and admire but not in a romantic sense. I idolized her, I didn’t really have romantic feelings for the amazing woman she is but for the image I made of her in my mind. Malia and I...came together at a very difficult time in our lives. And we helped each other through them and that was good but...not a great fit for a long term relationship. It’s not like I intensely thought about you and me as a couple. I never thought you could be interested in me. But when I think about it now...I can’t imagine not having you at my side in some way. Slowly you spoiled me by being at my demand 24/7. I refused your offers of comfort because I didn’t want to get a crush on someone who will never reciprocate...now I don’t necessarily mean being with me in that we kiss and have sex… Although I wouldn’t be opposed but it’d need to be your decision you know...Because it can’t just be something you do because you think I want it...I need you to want it or it is not something I want. But it doesn’t seem like you are magically compelled to do what I want so when you choose to say yes I can be sure it is your choice right? RIGHT? Because anything else would be mortifying! And great now I am babbling because I am getting invested in the idea and -look this is why I never thought about it I just get anxious and overthink it and can’t stop talking! Oh god I need to stop talking! Okay I’ll shut up now.”

 

Stiles stood up and left for the balcony before Peter could do anything but stare. 

 

Yes he was used to Stiles’ trains of thoughts, loosely connected without end. He hadn’t expected the topic to go to the prospect of the two of them becoming an item of some kind.

He hadn’t even thought that would ever come up as an option.

 

He had fantasized about it a few times but always with the knowledge it was a ridiculous idea.

 

But apparently not as ridiculous as he had thought.

 

He stood up as well and followed Stiles onto the balcony, leaning against the railing next to him, following his gaze over the roofs of Beacon Hills and the Forest.

 

“I want to be sure you know what you are getting yourself into…”

 

Stiles nodded but didn’t say anything.

 

“I am twice your age.”

 

There was a slight shake of the head. “I am 23, you are 42, I assumed you were better at math.”

 

Cheeky smartass.

 

“I’ve killed people.”

 

There was a shrug and then to Peter’s surprise Stiles turned to him and looked him straight in the eyes. “So have I.”

 

“People who didn’t deserve it.”

 

“Yes. And you died for it.”

 

That was a topic they could debate without end but all he needed to know was Stiles wasn’t allowing himself any delusions. “I will kill again if necessary.”

 

“So will I.”

 

Peter’s mouth twitched into a small smile. “I guess then the most important question remaining is this; will you kill me Stiles? Because I want it to be you. Maybe directly or because I protected you or did something you asked me to do.”

 

He could see Stiles searching for something in his face. “Why would you want that?”

 

Peter couldn’t resist his usual smirk, although it might be a bit more melancholic than usual. “Because it means you can’t get yourself killed before me.”

 

That truth seemed to hit Stiles harder than expected. “Ok. As long as you don’t jump at the next opportunity to sacrifice yourself.”

 

Peter made a face. “Don’t insult me Stiles. I intend to serve you for as long as I can.”

 

“It’s weird when you call it that” Stiles murmured.

 

Peter smiled, a genuine smile “Would worship sound better?”

 

Stiles shoved him gently “Oh my god, stop!”

 

Peter laughed and made a step closer, getting into Stiles’s personal space. “I seem to remember you mentioning something about kisses…”

 

The younger man blushed. “Only...only If you want to.”

 

He couldn’t resist an evil chuckle as he let his hands find their place on Stiles hip and neck. “Oh I want. Don’t worry about that.”

 

He could hear Stiles heartbeat, usually well controlled in the company of werewolves accelerate harshly and the blood rushed to Stiles’ face, neck and probably down his chest.

 

“Though I also might like to hear you tell me what to do to you...hear your voice wrap around the words.”

 

Stiles swallowed again but Peter didn’t need to guess why.

 

When he spoke his next words they were barely more than a whisper. “Kiss me Peter.”

 

He gave Stiles another wide smile and then pulled him even closer. Their bodies were not leaving any space and their lips brushed against each other.

 

It was soft and tenderly, caressing.

 

He took in Stiles’s scent and then coaxed his lips open with his tongue, dipping into Stiles’ mouth, greeting his tongue, savoring the sensation.

 

Stiles whined lowly and Peter let him retreat with slight concern in his eyes. “Peter, I am not made of glass.”

 

He raised one brow at Stiles. “You certainly look the part. I will not risk you collapsing here. Let me cook for you while you take a rest and tonight I will ruin you for anybody else. Then tomorrow we will visit your father and decide together what to do.”

 

Stiles looked more pained again but sighed with exhaustion, nodded and leaned against Peter’s chest. “Ok...we also should thank Derek.”

 

Peter frowned and wrapped his arms around Stiles, holding him close and nuzzling his neck. “I hate it. But you're right.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was loosely inspired by [this tumblr post](http://dialmformaledictions.tumblr.com/post/170894500781/happy-valentines-day-to-my-steter-friends-3)
> 
> I thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed it ^^


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